Archive | March, 2013

SUFFERING WITH CHRONIC PAIN

21 Mar

I am sorry that I haven’t kept up with my blog! I suffer with CHRONIC PAIN on a daily basis! ALSO bipolar visits me everyday! That isn’t funny but true. I live with my past memories and there are days when I am unable to write anything cause of all the intense feelings that I have to deal with each day! 

I want to begin the process of writing but I have so many obstacles that come in front of my desire of writing! I have 2 children! My boy Gary is 18 and my daughter Jamelle is 35. There are so many areas in my life that I must go through and dissect. 

I have decided to add another title to the few books that I want to write and publish. One of them will be to my daughter. The reason I want to write a book to my daughter and OR for my daughter is; that we have had a Love/Hate relationship ever since her teens. I had to place her into foster care when she was 11. 

I took my first drink at the age of 33! Many things took place during that time period. The day I took my first drink of alcohol was the the beginning of a road to hell! I didn’t realize that but in reality — for me to look back at that time, I was partying and drinking to get rid of memories and pain. I didn’t know where the drinking would take me. I use to go out with a friend that I worked with. We were like sisters. She would do anything for me. I had fun with her. 

My  so-called social life drinking only last a couple of months. My behavior changed as I was seeking counseling for being a Survivor of Incest! I shared my Story with the Survivor’s of Incest group that I was a part of. This is where it all started. I couldn’t relive that day! The class was instructed on the steps that we would take during the process of telling our stories. 

During the upcoming weeks as I listened to other’s stories, , , my sense of identity was becoming lesser and lesser. I was like a zombie at times. I couldn’t get any help from anyone! I belonged to a church at that particular time. I shared my story with them! I asked for prayer! The pastor of the church didn’t know how to pray for me. Here I was a victim/survivor of INCEST! Oh no that is a sexual sin. 

From that point on I didn’t care about anything or anyone. I couldn’t stop what was happening to me. The day I shared my story — at the end of the story NOBODY had any comments. This had a ‘MAJOR’ effect upon me. That was the day that I chose to stop trying! I started drinking heavier to stop the pain. I felt that NOBODY cared.

The Jehovah Witnesses use to come by ALL the time. They seemed to care and possible understand. They tried to talk me out of going to Portland! I lived in Washington State at the time. I had been celebit for at least 5 years. I met a man from Portland and we started seeing one another. 

That was a Nightmare from Hell! He took me for everything I had. This is when I chose to GO CRAZY and throw everything I had worked for down the drain. I wanted to go and kill this person. He stole my car and took it to Portland and sold the parts off of it for drugs. I didn’t know he was a drug addict. LIFE goes on. 

MORE TO COME!!! 

Advertisements